Briefly exploring, why men go quiet. Emotional withdrawal, isolation, and the tendency men have to disappear into themselves instead of speaking honestly.
Why do we fall silent? When do we withdraw inward? What purpose does isolation and silence serve?
Commonly, a man will emotionally withdraw when he no longer feels his input is being heard, heeded or valued. Often, men are taught, or it is instilled in them, that a man with emotion is less of a man or a burden to those around him. This teaching creates a behavior, a reaction of self preservation, that becomes much easier as an adult. It is ingrained in him to go quiet when he feels himself shifting into this part of his world.
He will withdraw inward and isolate this part of himself at whatever capacity he finds resolves the discomfort, or to prevent the perceived discomfort of others that was built in him. As a man, he was naturally built to protect, and in his mind, sharing emotions, especially emotions that reflect the disappointment in others, is seen as an attack or has a negative implication on those around him.
Instead of speaking honestly about such things, he will bite his tongue until his mouth is full of blood, absorb details about deep feelings, and concerns about uncertainty. All of this is done as a misunderstood method of preservation.
I have been in this position many times. Throughout my life, I have found myself drifting toward this state of being and sometimes, for any given amount of time, let it win. This is not a once-in-a-lifetime event for a majority of us, and some of us remain completely unaware that they are this way for their whole lives. The longer a man lives in quieted emotion, the larger his disdain grows. The length of time that he does this, the easier the reaction becomes. This man needs an outlet, a healthy avenue of release of course.
No amount of sedation, substance abuse, or even physicality, be it sexual, harmful or otherwise, will truly return any man to honesty about his current state.
As men, we have to understand that the way that we feel should be heard. It should be heard, even if it hurts the feelings or causes someone to be uncomfortable or uneasy. That unease is for the other party to process in their own healthy way. This is not to say that we should go around unloading on every stranger we meet, but when we are in close relationships, for those to develop into lifelong bonds, this is a necessary evil (my definition, call it what you will) that we must share in and also be an integral part of.
To become better, and greater we need community, brothers who aren’t afraid to listen, to speak about such things without fear of being heard or seen in an unfavorable, unflattering light. Working through this uneasiness, prompts growth for the benefit of all of those close to these men.
Partners who understand that a man is actually more complex than just a hammer for the nail, but a place of growth and understanding, paired with the comfort of protection. You are allowed to be who you really are, flaws and feelings abound. Together, unified on all fronts.
Additionally, and equally as important; training the body helps train the mind, training the spirit, trains the heart. Strength training at whatever capacity you are currently capable of will alleviate the built-up stress of keeping it all together. Based on the scientific findings that dopamine release after exertion relieves tension in the body is an absolute must to decompress physically. Taking time to seek God in prayer, reading, devotion, and/or meditation is essential to exploring the troubles that your heart and mind are struggling with.
If you find that you are too isolated, a group or a church is not in the cards for you. Start light. Find a bible, look it up on your phone, there is absolutely an app for that. Sit with it, quietly, and I mean quiet your mind as best you can, and with intention, seek understanding, and without fail, you will find some solace. I have found that when I follow these points or opinions above, I am often pointed right to something that relates to almost exactly to what has been weighing on me.
For some brief humor on this point above but also with absolute honesty about it, see Proverbs 21:9 And then also see a lament followed by a praise worth repeating in Psalm 13
In closing,
We as men are allowed to feel. We’re allowed to be heard and in a healthy life and relationship will be understood and valued for sharing in these things. We will be better partners, better men and stronger examples to the ones that follow. It builds the capacity within us to return this behavior to those in our lives who deserve it most.
Let us find our way.
As a “Dear, Reader”, I am interested to know some of the ways others have found help them navigate this complexity. How have you found your light in the tunnel of isolation and withdrawal?